After Thanksgiving Water Fast -- Day 26

Emotional Rollercoaster
I don't know how to explain these last few days. All I can say is whatever the most negative emotions a person can experience is what I've been experiencing. I'm tempted to break the fast and slow down the detox with some juice or self-administer an enema, but my mind and heart don't lean towards one or the other. Doing one of the two will definitely bring some relief.

The emotions are something I feel I want to ride out until the end. When I say the emotions are highly negative, thoughts of suicide are slowly creeping in. I could see an imaginary line and the suicidal thoughts are beyond that line, and I'm very near it but not quite there.

These thoughts could be from my inability to handle situations in my life and having numb them with food. They can also be from the food themselves. When the toxins are released into my bloodstream from the breakdown of fat during this fast, the amount being released at this moment are vicious.

I can see why supervisional fasting is recommended after 14 days. It's helpful to be in a supportive environment with those who are fasting or have fasted. When I'm down, someone could tell me I'll be ok and to not panic.

Panic. Panic. I was so scared last night. Before then, I felt a kind of dreading feeling throughout the day. When night hit, it was just boom! I felt scared, and I couldn't grasp what I was afraid of. I wanted to cry but nothing came out. My eyes stung.

I began reading some writings that were inspirational and comforting to me in the past. And when I read them again, I couldn't even make sense of them. I went to bed shivering and in a complete sense of sadness.

Upon rising in the morning, I kept listening for my mom or brother to wake up. So that I could be around them. I hugged my lab and that didn't work. I was so scared while waiting for my mom and brother to wake up. I turned on some music and fell asleep.

My pup licked my eyelid, and I woke up again to take her outside. I asked my mom and brother to go out for a walk, but they didn't want to. So I left it at that. I have an intense desire to be around lots of people and be in fresh air.

I feel better. On a 0-10 scale, my fear was on a 10 if not more and now it's hovering between 7-8, and sometimes I do hit the 10 and above level. I'm still confused and scared. I've gone over my whole life's situatons over and over again, but I can't really pinpoint what could be causing the fear. There's nothing extremely tragic that's happened in my life that I have not dealt with. And existing problems have existed quite a while, and I've been okay with them. I don't know why all of a sudden I would feel such dread and fear.